‎6 months, 189 days, 4117 hours, 247020 min

‎6 months, 189 days, 4117 hours, 247020 min ago My son took his last breath! To many life has gone on....thats whats happens. People get busy, or this is too painful and they cant do it anymore. Or they need me to be happy, or talk about something else........But for me 6 months, 189 days, 4117 hours, 247020 min ago I could tell him I love you, and kiss him, or call him or hold him. So I count the minutes since I last heard his voice~ Im right here where you left me Timothy Marquis Mulholland loving you with each breath I struggle to take...and pushing on because I have no choice.
I ll like you forever, I love you for always , as long as Im living, my baby youll be!

half a year still feels like yesterday~

It was a cold cloudy Sunday much like today day, except the ground was covered in feet of snow.It was 6:34 am that you kissed me and slid down the driveway in the snow off to your job, spinning that sign at the donut shop in Folsom. Leaving poor Jason Pagenkopp to get a ride from me home. It was 2:45 pm when you texted me last...to say you were on your way to talk to Kristine Running's dad. It was 3:19 when you went to meet the Lord.... and it was 4:42 when they let me crawl in bed with you to sing to you and say good bye. This was the last time I kissed your face. Smelled your hair, or soaked in the pictures of every inch of you so I would never forget your hands. And everyday I do something good in your name.Even if its small and no one but you and I know! Still hurts like Hell but I can say with every cell of my being that I am so blessed to have brought you into this world. To have been givin the opportunity to breath the same air as you. To share a laugh with you...... To dance with you in the rain!
So many things have happen since I last posted. In April they planted a tree in your name at Camino, They dedicated an entire track race to you and named an event after you. They planted a garden FULL of Lillie's (I know you had something to do with this as they were your favorite and I didn't tell a soul) They made a beautiful slide show at the rally at the end of SAW week and they let me sit up front with the kids. You now I never got to do any of those things...We spent many a night talking about my biggest regret was never graduating and in some form you gave me a gift to see it thru the eyes of a graduate.Thank you for that. Your sister went to Competition and they dedicated the entire dance to you in front of ALL those people. I know she made you proud that day. In May you graduated! You did it my son~ and I walked for you! Everyone was there. Even Uncle Ian came w Sam all the way from LA.  It was the 28th of May...It was a day just like every other 28th since March...Cold and raining. As I sat there on the grass with the graduates I thought "please God hole the rain" just until I do this..and then like something I cant explain, right before they called your name.....The clouds opened up, but only around the field..everywhere else as still dark and cloudy..But where I was sitting the sun shown thru..and "someone" leaned over and said something I will never forget"There is you  SON (sun)! Shinning warmth down on my face and I knew at that moment you were with me..........It was a site no one will never forget as they called your name and handed me your diploma. EVERYONE stood to their feet and a sound I'll never forget came from all around like thunder from above. Cheers for you my precious boy! and LIVE FREE signs held high in the air. Your friends took Sally down for you and she sat PROUDLY in the front parking lot. She was the only car aloud to park there. I took that diploma and held it high in the air for you! And I know you were the one holding me up as I walked because I walked with such determination to make you proud.  
In July Faith turned 11. She misses you the most I think. He party was not the same with out you but we went to SUN SPLASH like always and her cake was in your honor, purple dinosaur , green turtle, and of course penguins!! We felt your spirit with us all day. In August we had the dance show in Sacramento.TRAVIS BYERS MADE A POINT TO HUG ME FOR YOU....YOU MUST  HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT..HIS SMILE WAS AS CONTAGIOUS AS YOURS~
Chantell and your sisters clearly were dancing for you. It was very hard to NOT hear you screaming for them... I saved you a seat though at each show. Mrs. running came both nights to watch for you~ your sisters wrote the most beautiful dedication to you that they said and then your sister Danced for you! Ive never seem her so beautiful as she was in the minutes she gave you everything she had.
Its September now...I think the hardest month by far. We celebrated your 18th birthday on the 4th. Kristine and Mrs. Running came bright and early with balloons..we sent messages to heaven on them for you. Then Courtney brought me the baby. He is soothing balm to my broken heart. Andi had a small family birthday party for you, it was fun! On the 6th of Sept you were set to deploy for the Navy..but your not here to do so..I assume your fully enjoying part of Gods army though:) 
School started back up... your presence is missed by many. I still get emails and posts daily from your friends. They miss you so much , son of my heart~ Ohh and I got your year book...you would have LOVED THE "BABY ADD" and what I wrote.

Your Uncle Ian got married last week end. It was so beautiful and I know you and grandpa were there with us...but your presence was surly missed, especially by Chelsea,who misses you so much but rarely speaks of her pain. Can you send an angel to her? You would love our new sister in law.your new Aunt..She is precious!
Cassie is in 8th grade..she misses riding to school with you and your little "scoot".well she presses on but sometimes I see the pan in her little eyes and cant do anything for her. She makes sure your car is kept spider free:) We all spend time in your room where the sound of laughter still fills the air.
Today Is Sunday, my least favorite day of the week and its been Half A Year today~ Some days I think I'm going to be OK...and then like a sharp knife it hits me that your gone...Like this is new news or something.
I'm trying very hard to be all you would want me to be to your sisters and friends and to be an example to all that are watching. Ive been asking for your to come visit me in my dreams for 6 months but still nothing? Ill keep waiting for you in my dreams my love!

From the eyes of his Little sister~

Cassandra Mulholland

Mrs. Montgomery

English

21, September 2011

Timothy

My seventeen year old brother with brown hair and big brown eyes was my best friend six months ago. His name was Timothy William Mulholland. In some cases he was my dad. Tim, Chelsea (my older sister), Kayla (my oldest sister), Faith (my little sister), my mom and I have all lived in the same house since I was born thirteen years ago. We have made many memories on these streets.

I have eight main memories or things I remember about Timothy. It all started when I was about three years old. My step dad, Ray, was going to teach me how to ride a bike. I went outside to where Ray was working on his truck, like any other dad, and I had my bike, knee pads, elbow pads everything all ready to go. I said “Daddy teach me how to ride my bike now I am all ready,” meanwhile I had the biggest smile on my face I was so excited. In response to me my dad said “Okay now ride down the hill on your bike.” I was very confused considering I had no idea how to ride my bike. I went inside and tell my mom what happened and she said “Here let me and brother help you learn.” We went to the bottom of the hill and Tim said “ Okay Cassie get on your bike its okay I am holding it.” I got on my bike very cautiously. Tim starts to push the bike and of course I fall a few times but eventually Tim lets go and I am riding all by myself.

Another adventure I remember very well is when me, Faith, and Tim would play in the snow. Tim would always play in the snow with us. We would make igloos, snowmen, snow woman. We had the most fun times in the snow I had my whole life. The best thing we did in the snow had to have been sledding. We would go so fast down the hills. We would make jumps, curves, walls, anything you can think of to make out of snow while sledding we made it. He made every thing we did so fun. The thing I like most about sledding with Tim is he always made it go so fast. He did that with everything bikes, sleds, and go carts which leads me to my next memory. He would always take me and Faith on rides and go so fast. We would go all around our neighborhood and Tim would be the crazy boy he always was.

Once we got older our conversations and ideas of fun things became different. I was then in seventh grade and I had a boyfriend. Tim was a senior in high school and was constantly telling me that he would hurt my boyfriend if I got hurt. Tim was so protective and though I got hurt by many people that year I never told him cause Lord knows what he would do. Most of the times that Tim was being protective and talking to me happened in his car. Tim's car was very unique though he loved it so much. He called it his “Smurf Mobile” because it looked like something a giant smurf would drive. It was baby blue and covered in stickers on the back window. Everyone made fun of him but he never cared.

One of the most recent memories I have was when Tim introduced me to Kristine, his new girlfriend, she soon became very close family to us and we called her our sister. After one and a half years had gone by of them being off and on he finally broke up with her and found a new girl. Her name was Victoria Guinn. They started to date and everyone who knew Tim well enough knew that she was no good for him. Timothy started doing drugs more often with her and got caught drunk at school and was into bad things. Finally he listened to all of us and broke up with her though they were still great friends. A couple of months after they broke up Tim wanted to get back together with Kristine and that is what he did.

A beautiful Sunday afternoon Tori texted Tim saying I just got a new Nissan 350z wanna take a ride in it? Of course Tim said yes. He met her at the McDonalds on Broadway and got in her race car. Tim wanted to go to Kristine’s house to ask her parents for permission to take her to prom like the gentleman he was. They went the long way which went over Newtown Road in Placerville. Tori was going approximately one hundred miles per hour and lost control of the car. She went off the road and hit three trees ripping off the passenger side of the car killing my brother at 3:19pm March 27, 2011. Tim snapped his neck killing him instantly.

I did not find out that my best friend, brother, and dad was dead until about 11:30 that night. It was the most heart breaking moment I had ever felt. It felt unbelievably real. I could not grasp the understanding of why and how an amazing man like Tim had gotten taken from this earth. For weeks I watched my mom lay on the floor crying her heart out. At his memorial seven hundred people showed up. He was a very loved young man.

Now I have a journal to him and I write in it every time I am upset and miss him and have no one to talk to. Also every month on the twenty seventh me, my mom, and Faith, all go shopping and do things we used to do with Tim. On his birthday, September 4^th we wrote messages on balloons and released them in to the air then went and had a party for him. Also that day I went to see the tree he died on for the first time and six months later there are still pieces of the car on the ground.

I have to say the things I miss most about my brother is having someone I can tell all my secrets to, driving in his car every morning listening to his extremely inappropriate music, and having someone who I know really loved me and would always be there for me cause I don't really have these things anymore. The thing I learned form having Tim die was that anyone you love can be taken in just a matter of seconds and to always tell them that you love them. The last three words I told Tim was “I love you” and I am so happy I did. Now I hope everyone who read this and has someone they love dearly never tell them you hate them and always say you love them.

3 most comon used phrases

The three most common used phrases to try to help me thru seem to be:
You have to do it for the girls...
Timothy would expect you to..
And Your the strongest person I know...

All of which are used to try and encourage me to push on., keep going...make it thru one more day of this searing pain. In my mind I know I have to do it but it seems these days, I just cant. The firsts are killing me slowly...I cant believe this has happened to me. And I see his friends suffering, His sister's are suffering, I am suffering......So many people..All but one actually.... And I wonder why this happened. I run the day over and over in my head like a movie....rewind and play, rewind and play. No sign of relief from the pain..But memories of the first few months are starting to return. You may not know but Ive learned that people who suffer from sudden death experience the loss different than those that maybe had time to pre pare such as cancer or long term illness. Its not in anyway more...just different. And in this I have lost most of my memory of the first few months and continue to lack the ability to retain information. I see the frustration on my children's faces, my friends, co worker, ect as they have to remind me"You already told me that" Or I asked you yesterday and you said ok". I think "really, we talked about this already?" ...Its a strange feeling to live you life but have no memory of such things...kind of like ground hog day...

I'm still trying to hurdle the little things like grocery shopping. Last week in total desperation I went to Safeway.. For those of you that don't know...This was a weekly adventure Tim and I shared. We left the girls here, stopped for a coffee from Scotty and then did the shopping. He would ride the cart like a little boy throwing random things into it. Id say"NO TIM" but he would smile at me and it would stay in the basket. At the end of the shopping on our way out the door we would get a Red Box and then he would load the groceries......He always made me turn the radio on so he could sing while he loaded.
Last week as I entered Safeway I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had to do it because we litterly had no food but each isle I could see was a sharp reminder that Timothy is gone. By the third isle I began to sweat , the kind of sweat you feel right before you throw up...and I look over and Dino Eggs oatmeal is on sale (Tim's FAVORITE food). It usually almost 6 dollars a box so I almost always had to say no:( And there I stand looking at the sale ticket thinking how I wish I could go back..........Id buy him as much Dino Eggs oatmeal as he could eat! The rest of the shopping experience was just awful...I rushed thru grabbing only the things I knew I had to have. AS I am standing in line I start sweating and am SO dizzy...I can feel my face loosing color and I really thought I might pass out, right there in Safeway.... When an older gentleman asks "Are you Ok honey"... I smiled and shook my head all the while hoping she (the clerk ) would hurry up. It is in these moments you don't realize it will be painful until your smack dab in the middle of it.

Still no new sales......I'm not sure what we will do if this continues.I run my few options thru my mind but I cant leave the girls at night so that limits me.Financially I am in trouble...And not for a lack of trying. I have been working 5 floor shifts a week. And the ironic thing is... as soon as my shift ends and I leave...the next person on floor will get a buyer walk in 10 min after I leave.
People ask me what Tim would want....I know for sure he wouldn't want me to leave his sisters and waitress. I had that job once and it bothered him so. He said " Mom ,I hate watching you do this". He was SO proud last year when I made Top Achiever.and this year..I was on a roll before he was taken from me. He was so proud! Im at a total loss...........And feel so alone.
Chelsea is leaving for her new life and home in Sonoma in a week...And all though she hasn't been home much her presence is always here. She sleeps in the room next to Timothy's... So his door opens and closes all day long but with her gone.there wont be much reason to open his door....And the idea of another one gone is gut wrenching...I think "and then there were 2". This house will be so quiet...The laughter is already so rarely here now. And I'm doing all I can to remain sane.......and engaged.
People say "you the strongest person I know" and I think to myself.I'm really not I just put on a good front. Inside I'm dying.... But no one wants to hear that...they don't know what to say to that. The first few weeks after Timothy died the house was full of people and I remember someone saying, "soon, everyone will be gone. They will go on living.which is the natural thing for them to do. And your house will be empty. You will Be the only one who cant move on." I thought no way will I be alone...look at all these people! But they were right..Here I sit alone. All the time...The phone stopped ringing, The knocks on the door stopped, it all stopped. And as I type now, I'm sitting the same place I was when I wrote Tim's Eulogy.When the people were all around. Where did every one go you ask?... They went back to living .They all had lives that thankfully they put on hold  to help me, but they had to get back to their Families, jobs, houses. Its just the way it is.
And Im staring at Tim's door cracked half open this morning............with this longing I cant even explain, that he will stumble out into the living room, bed head and all...grab a plastic bowl(that's the only way to eat cereal he would say) pour himself some...and quietly eat breakfast right there in front of me. No words would need to be said........He was my best friend and I was his...we didn't need to talk...Just being together woudl be good enough......But he wont walk out that door this morning, my heart knows the truth. And how to get thru today is still a mystery...but I already know:
"You have to do it for the girls..."
"Timothy would expect you to.."
"And Your the strongest person I know..."

And I still cant move from this spot..while I have the slightest Hope he will walk thru the door~

Summer days hurt the most....

Im not sure why but Cassie and Faith seem to be having a really hard time right now. Faith crys every night.... There is nothing really I can say to ease her pain....I have no words~ She waits for Tim to come thru the door ...She sits in his room alone, and makes sure there are no spider webs on his car.
As a mother of the ones left behind, my heart breaks to see them in so much pain. I have found talking to them on my level helps ......I told Faith last night" This is the most painful thing you will most likely ever experience. And so everyday that you learn to push thru this pain you become a stronger person for it. Tim is so proud of both of you"! I explained how she will be an AMAZING woman because she has learned at such an early age to manage thru the worst pain of her life.
I find myself almost talking from a third person perspective because it is on nights like this that I have to help the girls with their pain....In order to do this I cant feel my own....and then , they fall asleep....and Im left with theirs and mine.
Anger seems to be the emotion of the month....As I plan for Faiths birthday it is yet another holiday we are celebrating without Timothy. There have been alot since March. I didn't even realize how many holidays fall between then and now... Spring Break, Easter, my birthday, mothers day, memorial day, graduation, 4th of July, Faiths birthday.... and it goes on and on. Each one ear marked by the absence of my precious son!

Sunsplash has become a tradition for little Faiths birthday.The last two years we have taken her and her friends, Timothy and Kristine....Those two ride with Faith and her friends down the wild slides as I cant....He loved it and Faith loved doing it with Brother. We are yet again going this year for her birthday and she is already feeling the absence of Tim.
How do I fill in the canyon left in her little heart? Where do I begin .....
Why is it the summer days are the hardest?
Every conscious thought I have thru out the day is about Timothy. And with it comes a sharp pain of reality that I wont hear him laugh today....

July 8th 2011

Its been a really bad week.... Almost unbearable, Most days I find it takes me 30 min just to talk myself into putting my feet on the floor to start the day~ It is only for these girls I keep fighting at all....For them to know...if mommy can do it, so can they!

 

Wednesday Tim's friend left for Boot camp( they were going to go together) SIGH...she came by on her way out...before she got here I went into Tim's room to find something to send with her....UGH!!! After searching and searching...I couldn't find anything I could bare to part with. So I just said"Talk to me Timothy, Please"...and there in the back of his drawer was a DOG TAG!!!!! one he made in Santa Cruz at one of those put a dollar in and make one machines...It had his name DOB and religion on it.I knew it was what I was looking for. i knew he wanted her to have it.What could be more perfect to send with her to boot camp as she would be issued her own Dog Tags with in the next 24 hours and unfortunately he never will. She loved it and cried and said she will carry his memory with her all the way.I told her to be brave, and be strong, I silently prayed for her and sent her off with out her friend....

Then because it is that kind of week Faith comes in with the mail which contained...$2500.00 in MORE medical bills.....UGH which actually the worst part of that isn't that I cant pay them but that they have his name..and March 27th .and I end up right back in the room with him..I can smell him and feel him and I'm broken ALL over again! Also in the mail was a letter from UNR reminding Tim that they are having a meet and greet this week end just in case he plans on attending in August and they are looking forward to seeing him..So I call Marshall Hospital to set up payment, then I call UNR to let them know he wont be attending this week end because he is DEAD! ALL of which I don't want to do! I want to kiss my son, I want to argue with him about whether or not he can drive to the beach as he is not yet 18..I want to hear him laughing in the front yard with the hose on his sisters.

 

Iam dreaming...last night I dreamed about the kids and I ...I was protecting them from something....I am dreaming with out Tim....When I dream about my children he is no longer in my dream which means my brain has accepted he's no loner here....UGH Now if I could convince my heart......

I find myself screaming out to and AT the Lord on a Daily basis....The first month was pure denial....every day was NO WAY is this true.....the second month was shock...I couldn't remember what I did yesterday...My whole body was in shock..I walked around in a fog, often asking"did I already tell you that" Or "What was I saying" ... and the third month is reality..every morning I wake up and my first thought is "my son is really dead...hes gone." And I have that thought so many times a day as if my brain needs the rest of my body to accept it. But I cant.....I ask WHY!!!! Why my boy. What have I done to deserve this? Have I not been Faithful enough? Ive spent the largest part of my life giving God the credit for ANYTHING good that has happened and credit for bringing me thru ALL the BAD! I don't understand.....I was so faithful, SO dedicated, SO strong in my Faith...and now.....NOW I just don't know.........anything....except...I'm here today...another day...stumbling thru, hoping to find my footing again, hoping the pain will subside long enough for me to get all the things that still require my attention done. And still praying.... PRAYING for HOPE, For Peace, FOR PROVISION!!!

 

What lies Ahead? What new hurdle...

It was a crisp morning much like today except the rain was still falling mixed with hints of snow, My happy man/boy had just finished eating breakfast as fast as he could chew... Standing at the door he pleaded with me to take his Friend home so he wouldn't be late for the job he loved so much( spinning a sign in the rain for the donut shop) He had bedhead, his favorite black jeans and a bright green coat...."Please he begged and I agreed. "Thanks Madre" he thankful exclaimed as he bounced out the door and down the drive way."I love you" he yelled"! This would be the last time I ever heard him say those words. Each moment, each breath since then has been measured by the pain I felt that day.
I was in the hospital last week for a ruptured cyst..."whats your pain level ," the nurse asked me 1-10..ten being the worst pain you have ever been in"... those of you that know me know I have surgery often and I measure it by child birth as I did it naturally and Cassie was 36 hours... but this time.this moment....I flash to March 27th at 4:45~ The moment I saw my boy laying cold and gone on that hospital bed. This is my "10" NOW!!! and all pain , even surgery fails to compare......I thought to myself when the nurse asked me the 1-10 question...does she know the pain of losing a child? can I tell her My 10 is much different than the girl in the bed next to me? And as I reflect this morning on all the things I have "survived" in the last three months and even as I type, my womb aches for my child.
Love to all of you who have stood by me thru this hell!

June 7th 2011.. A unwelcome guest

On our kitchen counter lies a death certificate, new to the house it resides un-welcomed, His room, immobilized in a time capsule; untouched besides the bed that has been slept in, his wallet on his dresser loaded with the cash he worked so hard for and his shoes that were left at the front door, ready for his to slide on , on his way out still remain not yet put away. His coat hangs off the chair in his room, and his tooth brush still in the drawer....all just waiting for his return...and a mother mourns the loss of her life, the vacant canyon left in her soul.....she screams his name in the middle of the night but the screams fall on deaf ears....no one knows her pain. Most turn their face from her on the street. Can you look in her eyes..can you stand to see such pain in another and not feel the basic need to move away from it?  Who holds up this mother as she stands before you, you ask yourself..how is it she still breaths when he eyes are so hallow... look away your mind tells you......look away before her pain becomes yours. She calls her son, she bargains in the still of the night , to have him back. to him hold him close. To smell his hair and hold his hand, but to no avail as her pleads fall on deaf ears....no one hears her plea....

The shoes Im forced to wear

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.