After the first year the vail of shock I have been living behind has lifted and what has been exposed is a horrific pain I didn't not prepare myself for. I think in some ways the shock worked as a cushion to my pain as the only other present emotion in the first year was pure exhaustion that no amount of sleep ever left me feeling rested.
Sitting here 14 months in, I can tell you I have never felt as alone as I do now! Be it the friends that have had to remove themselves from my life because this is to much for anyone who does not HAVE TO do it. Or because I have in some ways chosen to isolate myself from the world. I cant muster up a kind response when someone says something like "Ohh wait until your girls are teens". I don't know how often I hear this when Cassie, Faith and I are out. It takes everything I have not to say" I'm well aware of the challenges of teen years...Ive survived it thru 4 kids now and had to give one back to God"!
I was in Folsom the other day getting a dress for Cassie who is Graduation 8th grade. We decided to wonder into the COACH store to look around, I should say I was drug in there by the girls because they know I love it... Now those of you that don't know me let me tell you , I'm the most responsible person you will ever meet with the limited resources I have. And I DO NOT spend money on my self to a fault. As soon as we enter the store a beautiful grey purse caught my eye and I picked it up and told my Little's "I love this".. No sooner did the words leave my mouth than this total stranger approaches us and say "Its just stuff girls, you cant take it with you and it doesn't really hold any value, you'll learn someday what's really important"! I'll admit the words that flew from my lips with out a filter were swift and harsh. I told her "I'm well aware of the value of life, not only am I the mother of 5 but my only son died last year and now his remains sit in a box in my living room so I certainly don't need you to tell me whats important in life, and for your information I was only enjoying its beauty, which your how now successfully robed me off!" I knew no sooner had I shut my mouth that this woman standing in front of me had NO words. She most likely thought We were all sisters, and she was trying to give some good old fashion advice but now she stands before me as my eyes well up with tears, speechless. It is this and so many more examples of why I don't leave the house. I have found with this NEW pain has come an intolerance for most things.
I saw "The Car" for the first time on Friday May 4th .And I was asked to speak against the dangers of distracted driving for the first time Monday. I was prepared to do that but I was not prepared for the battle that it would generate. I only want to do something good in Timothy's name. In fact it a primal need. If I can change a life, just one then he didn't die for nothing....but with each corner I face new road blocks. I don't understand what people are so afraid of? That I might save someones life with my story, that we might reduce the number of teen auto related deaths in this county? And I'll admit, having to fight to do so has left me feeling a new pain.
I turned 40 last week and could not celebrate my birthday. As a mother how do you celebrate your birthday when your child will never have another one? For me, I found it impossible to do. Many did not understand but all conceded to my choice and left me alone. I find sleep to be my refuge. It is the only place now that I can find to escape the pain that surges thru my body every waking moment of the day!And I have found I retreat to it as soon and as often as I can.
Tomorrow is Mothers day.Holidays are hell! What once held precious meaning for me and my family is times now when the memories are almost unbearable! Mothers day has its own particular form of heartbreak that most would never think of. My baby boys little hand open with a hand made box and a note attached that says "DO Not Open, inside is ALL MY LOVE and if you open it you will let it out" I still have this little red box or my teenage boy that refused to let this day go un noticed! He made more ruckus that I thought wasnt possible and in his absence is a silence I cant bare to face. Or a hand written card telling me I am his best friend that now I run my eyes over his hand writing over and over, seeing only his man hands" writing it, not even able to make out the words thru the tears.For me its another painful reminder of the HOLE in my heart~ Most of you reading this don't or wont understand why I cant find joy in the 4 daughters I have here with me. The only way I can describe it is when our children are here , we take for granted that they are in the next room. That we can talk to them when ever we want. In fact we may not give it much thought at all, But when your child dies the ONLY thought you have is that you will never hold them, talk to them, that child consumes your every waking thought. I do find joy in my daughters, In their travels, in their stories, in their sports, and activities. I find it in the fleeting moments when the sound of Faith laughing drowns out the sound of my soul SCREAMING Timothy's name in silence. Silence because I'm so afraid if I show the raw grief inside me I'll only cause my surviving children pain. And so I don't~
At 14 months the new obstacles ahead are much more vivid then they were in the first year....And yet the pain is much more prevalent than it was in the first year .The battle to sacome to the pain is a daily battle. One I don't win everyday. And on those days I retreat to my sanctuary of sleep.
Cassie graduates 8th grade this month and I can not help but constantly think of the empty seat that will be ever so present to all of us. The Seat Tim should be in, screaming her name as only he could! I pray for a special sign that day, one like the day I accepted Tim's diploma on his behalf and in the midst of a rain storm, they called his name and like a miracle the clouds opened up and the SON literally followed me up on to stage and down that long runway ahead of me, back to my seat. No sooner did I sit then the rain began again. That was all I need to hold me up then. And so I will pray for one of like kind for Cassie, to give her a peace that her brother is right beside her, Screaming her name and brimming with pride that ONLY HE COULD
