Its a Sunday, one like every other.... I woke up thinking about Timothy. I'm sure Sunday will never be as they once were. I push back the pain and hide the anguish that wants to take over. I don't have time to cry this morning I tell my self! And I continue on~ As much as I don't want to. Last time I looked at a clock its 1:15. I'm on a hike, the sun is shinning , The river is flowing...little squirrels are running around gathering nuts frantically for winter.... and then out of nowhere..... Its there... that lump in my throat, my heart is racing, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think, hummm am I hungry? Did I eat today? What the hell is wrong me now? As the minutes fly by the feelings get worse. I look over at my friend and say... Is it 3:20? I have no idea ,they reply..and pull out their phone to look...not knowing why I'm asking. It's 3:28pm they say. And it hits me......I'm in it~ the waves consume me as I realize that though my mind has no concept of time, my heart knows exactly to the minute when My child's heart stopped beating. When he took his last breaths. When he left here~ How can that be? How can my body know the time , the hour, the minute....? And have a phisical reaction to it without me even being aware it was coming.
I realize that I heard his heart beat long before anyone else. I heard it while he was growing inside me. I made his heart inside my womb...My heart supplied blood to his and each time mine beat his was supplied with the life source to continue to grow and beat stronger each day. This connection between mother and child is indescribable. We are their life source for almost 10 months.....and when I gave birth to him, they layed him on my chest and our hearts beat together. This is why when they are babies they sleep on us. Listening to the sound that comforted them for 10 months as they grew. My heart beat and His were one. And with Timothy, That never changed. We were always one heart beat. So now my heart knows the moment his stopped beating.
When I went to the hospital, after he died... they let me get in bed with him, and as I curled up as I had so many times over his 17 years of life to snuggle him (and he use to say"mom, don't spoon me, its awkward...now I smile because I made him cuddle with me). I'm laid there Pleading with God for this to not be true. He appears to be sleeping... I lay my head on his chest knowing I'll hear the familiar sound of his heart beat as I have every time I've laid my head on his chest. I listen carefully...praying for the sound...my heart listens for its other half to beat with it. There is no sound at all. His chest does not move up and down, the heart beat I made in my womb is gone. The life I created inside my own body is gone. I'm laying with my child but he is no longer there. And although I know this I refuse to believe it! For what seemed like hours was most likely only 45 min I lay very still....waiting to hear it. And then I begin to pray, for his journey to the other side of the vial. I pray he is in a place of splendor. At the feet of Christ. That he is in awe of what ever it looks like on the other side, and I feel HIM!!!! I can feel his presence, right there in the room with me so I begin to sing to my son, I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always , as long as I'M LIVING, MY BABY YOU'LL Be! The SON of my heart as I've called him his whole life....How clearly now I can recall the many times I would say "Son of my heart"...come here! or I love you or 'be safe".
Now I'm singing but only the feeling of his presence is there.
Ma'am...its time they say to me! You have to get up... Its time! They are here to take him. I'm thinking in my mind, if I don't get up this won't be real! If I just lay very still they cant make me leave. "Ma'am, please"..the officer pleas with me its time to let go. Come on take my hand he says...but they have to pull me off my child. Its no longer a choice. I have to let go~ and this is the moment burned in my mind~! This is the moment I'm taken back to every time we hit a month mark to the Sunday. The moment my heart realizes this is always the moment His heart stopped!
I heard this song as I was driving home yesterday , sobbing~ and felt Timothy as if he was signing it to me! ohh how he loved to sing~
In every word I felt him as each word applies to where I am or what's to come. So I'll share it with who ever is reading this.......
When all your tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in meWay down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts
You'll find better love strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Just like the waves down by the shore
We're gonna keep on coming back for more
'Cause we don't ever wanna stop
Out in this brave new world you seek
Over the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top
Remember me when you're out walkin'
When the snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When It doesn't hurt you anymore
You'll find better love strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Part of you will live in meWay down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts
You'll find better love strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Just like the waves down by the shore
We're gonna keep on coming back for more
'Cause we don't ever wanna stop
Out in this brave new world you seek
Over the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top
Remember me when you're out walkin'
When the snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When It doesn't hurt you anymore
You'll find better love strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun
Please remember me
Timothy~ I will REMEMBER YOU~ In every thing I do!!!
When the snow falls outside my door~ i will remember you
When I'm out walking~ I will remember you!
When I'm not sleeping~ i am remembering you!
When moon light falls across my floor~ I remember you!
In the valleys and the peeks~ I remember you
I hope I make it to the top....
My Son, Forever you will live inside of me!
