This is where the healing begins~

Guinn pleads to manslaughter

CARRYING A PORTRAIT of her son Tim Mullholland, Melanie Mulholland returns to her seat after reading her impact statement Monday morning in El Dorado County Superior Court. Democrat photo by Krysten Kellum

The driver who was responsible for a car wreck that killed an El Dorado High School student earlier this year accepted a plea deal Monday morning.
Victoria Elizabeth Guinn, 19, was behind the wheel of a Nissan 350z on March 27 when she lost control of the vehicle and crashed into oak trees along Newtown Road in Placerville.
Killed in the crash was passenger Timothy Mulholland, 17, a senior at El Dorado High School.
Before a packed courtroom audience Monday, Guinn pleaded no contest to a single misdemeanor count of vehicular manslaughter.
She had also been charged with possession of marijuana, but the charge was dismissed as part of the plea agreement.
El Dorado County Superior Court Judge Douglas C. Phimister, before sentencing Guinn, allowed Mulholland’s friends and family to speak about the impact created by the death of the young man.
Two of Mulholland’s sisters, Faith and Cassandra, delivered tearful statements about the young man they referred to as their “hero.”
“Tim and I were very close,” said Faith. “He was the best man in my life.”
“How many important things will he miss, I wonder,” said Cassandra.
Faith told the court that the loss of her older brother will be something she deals with for the rest of her life.
“I’m worried I will forget what he looks like or what he sounds like,” she said.
Kristine Running, Mulholland’s girlfriend, said she was robbed of the love of her life.
“I miss his laughter, his contagious smile,” she said.
Perhaps the most powerful words came from Mulholland’s mother, Melanie, who brought with her a framed picture of her son.
“I will not see him again,” she said. “I will not hear him call my name from down the hall.”
Melanie told the court that the life she had hoped for for Timothy exists only in her mind.
“I will not dance with him at his wedding,” she said through tears. ”He will not be here to take care of me when I’m old.”
Timothy had planned on enlisting in the U.S. Navy after high school. Melanie said he was anxiously awaiting the opportunity.
“He couldn’t wait to defend our country and preserve our rights,” she said.
Since the death of her son, Melanie said simple things, such as getting out of bed in the morning, have become a struggle.
“I do it because I know it would make him proud,” she said. “But rarely do I do it because I want to.”
Every single aspect of her life changed with the car crash, Melanie said.
“The woman that I once was is gone,” she said. “There are days when I wake up and look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the woman looking back at me.”
In addition to praising the young man’s character and thoughtfulness, all who read statements Monday expressed dissatisfaction with Guinn’s behavior following the death of her friend.
The woman, according to speakers, has made no attempt to contact the Mulhollands since the crash.
“If (she) would just communicate with me, maybe it would ease my pain,” said Faith.
“I have tried to reach out to her but to no avail,” Melanie said.
One woman did speak in defense of Guinn and said that all youths make poor choices but that they rarely cause such pain.
As Timothy’s friends and family read their statements for the court, Guinn sat silently next to her attorney and appeared to stare down at the table.
David Weiner, Guinn’s attorney, delivered a brief statement on his client’s behalf.
“This will live with her forever,” he said. ”She is deeply, deeply, deeply sorry.”
Weiner said Guinn wrote letters to the Mulhollands but that they were not sent for undisclosed reasons.
Guinn was sentenced to 14 days in county jail, three years of probation, 300 hours of community service and had her driving privileges revoked for three years.
Guinn will also be required to participate in a MADD program while attending college in Arizona and must speak at six driver’s safety educational meetings.
In rendering Guinn’s sentence, Judge Phimister said cases like Guinn’s are especially difficult for all parties involved.
“Basically, a crime has occurred,” he said. “The circumstances are such that the line is a very, very fine line.”
After Monday’s sentencing, Melanie Mulholland told the Mountain Democrat that she would still like to speak with Guinn in the future about the death of her son.

TIM MULHOLLAND'S sister Faith Mullholland, 10, reads her impact statement to the court with her mother Melanie Mulholland, 39, at her side. Victoria Guinn, 19, left, sitting with her lawyer David Weiner was sentenced to 14 days in jail for vehicular

My Impact statement

I still remember the way my son smelled 18 years ago when tjey laid him on my chest. The day he was born he looked up at me with his big brown eyes. Now, I remember the way he smelled when they pulled me off his chest and I took one long last look at my son, eight months ago. That moment will have to last a lifetime because I will never see my son again. I will never hear him call my name down the hall. I will never hear our home filled with his laughter as he played with his sisters
I will never know the joy of watching him become a man. I spent so many years of my life teaching him how to be a great husband, father and hero. All of those years of love; I will never have the joy of seeing it unfold. I will miss the joy of seeing him with his wife. I will not dance with him at his wedding. I won’t see my son hold his son . I will not know the joy of watching him walk his little sisters down the aisle. That was Timothy’s role in our family, he was my only son. My daughter’s children will not have a uncle. He was my only son.
The box of baby clothes that he wore his first three months of life that I have lovingly preserved to give to his wife, so that his son could come home from the hospital in the same clothes his father had, Is a memory that exists only in my mind; a hope that has died. Every tradition is forever changed. From his stocking that now hangs empty to future Thanksgivings where I will always see an empty chair. I did not just lose a son, my family lost man of our house, hero, and my best friend. He will not be here to take care of me when I am old. He will not be here when I need him for all of the things that a mother often hands off to her son. Family traditions and responsibilities that I once built, and intended to pass them on to him…those things have forever been altered, or are gone completely.
Timothy was a friend to everyone. He did not know what the word stranger meant. If he didn’t know your name, it only meant an opportunity to make a new friend. If you didn’t have a friend, that was an even greater opportunity for Timothy. He spent summers playing with the little boys up the road who didn’t have anyone. He brought them down to jump on the trampoline. He taught them respect. He would laugh with them, but if they did something out of line he was quick to reprimand them and teach them the tenets of respect and integrity.
His little sisters were his most precious responsibility. He took being their hero and friend very seriously, He protected them at all costs; teaching them that it was possible to be loved by a man that would not hurt you. He spent hours talking to them about what they should require from their husbands. It was very important to Timothy that all of his sisters found men that would cherish and respect them the way he did. Who will teach them this now?
He talked often about marrying his first love, He could not wait for Jason to be the best man at his wedding and growing old with her someday referring to her as “the wife of his youth.” He talked about the babies they would have. They would have her blue eyes and blonde hair and his sense of humor and sense of adventure. He could not wait to be a man. It was as if every moment he had lived was leading up to the future that was just within his reach. Timothy could not wait to serve our country, defend our rights. He was ready to take a stand for what he believed ,to be part of something bigger than himself. Timothy’s loyalty to his family, country, and God was something I have never seen in a 17 year old boy.
Now most of my days are spent reminiscing on what was, or facing the harsh reality of what will never be. I never know it until I am standing in it…whether it is as big as never dancing with him at his wedding or as small as never hearing his car come up the driveway. His voice echoes in my everyday life. Most days I push on because it is what I know he would expect me to do. because I love his sisters. I do it because I know it would make him proud, but rarely do I do it because I want to. Some mornings, the first thought I have is, “I don’t have a son.” I’m 39 years old. I can’t have any more children and I don’t have another son. Timothy was my only chance for all the hopes and dreams you put in your son. Some days it takes me 20 minutes just to convince myself to roll out of bed and put my feet on the floor. There are days I am only breathing because it’s an involuntary reaction. I am not choosing to do it. The pain of losing a child comes from a place that was not meant to be exposed. This pain has no name. The place that is exposed when your child dies is so raw that time will not heal this wound. You find that people are afraid of the harsh reality that is trapped within your soul, something so heart wrenching that makes it difficult for them to make eye contact. Perhaps they fear that my reality could become theirs, or perhaps they just cannot bear to stand and watch. Either way, you find that everyone tends to slowly, quietly disappear.
Now, I am supposed to write an impact statement. My task is to describe how the actions of someone else and their decisions changed my life forever? It seems literally impossible for me to help you understand how truly changed I have become. Every day there seems to be some new painful event that stretches the hole that Timothy’s death left in my life. The hole left behind by his death only seems to only grow more massive and more powerful with time..
Sometimes a thin membrane protects me from the hole, the pain I am plagued with is something I am able to carry. Then something so small will happen, like Dino egg oatmeal is on sale, and I find that I have fallen into the hole. I am holding on to the edge, hanging by a thin thread. There is so much of me that wants to just let go, but there is the part of me that knows I can not do that. That is not a choice. I have to pull myself out of the hole stand back up and walk through the pain. I suppose only a mother can imagine my realityGiven all of this, I am somehow supposed to tell of you how I have been impacted by the choices of another. I am told so very often that just meeting me, or seeing me for the first time after Timothy’s death changed them. So many people have told me that they have never seen raw pain so evident in another human being.
Tori had sent texts to 3 boys that morning. It was her plan to take someone on a joy ride that raining cold March afternoon in her new race car. Timothy just happened to be the first to respond. The parents of the other two boys tell me they have a hard time looking at me. They see me and think “I have a son, because she does not!” Tori made a choice, and Timothy is dead because of her choice! She was the last person to hear Timothy laugh and she was the last one to talk to him. The last one to share a story, exchange a look or have a moment. I have waited and wondered every day, every hour, for eight months for her to show anything… remorse, regret, loss, sadness, sympathy, empathy, reality… I have seen nothing. I have tried, but to no avail.
I have to ask myself…What messages are we sending the hundreds of teens in our community? You get some community service and a few years without a driver’s license!? The death toll of teen drivers in our county continues to rise. They are not learning anything! This is part of the problem and it is why they continue to make the same choices. In my opinion, I you take a life you should NEVER drive again! This is a more realistic consequence. Maybe this will make them stop and think before they choose to speed around on our dangerous country roads.
Tori has had no natural consequences. Her parents moved her to Arizona a few weeks after. She has not had to face the 700 people who attended his memorial. She did not have to see his empty seat in the classes they shared. She did not have to see his grieving friends. She was not there for the many dedications, tributes, and other things that were done to honor Timothy. She did not have to drive by the crash site everyday on her way home anymore. She didn’t walk with her class at graduation, so she missed when I accepted Timothy’s diploma on his behalf. I’m told the sound from the applause could be heard from blocks away. Every one of his classmates and everyone in the seats and bleachers above us stood as I held his diploma high in the air and took that long walk for him. Tori has never had to look into the eyes of the first responders, who were all forever changed.
Jessica Staggers and her family were first on scene. It is her account that she pleaded with Timothy to hold on. She held his hand as he gasped on his own blood. Tori sat down on the curb and her first words were about disappointing her dad, wrecking her brand new car, and how disappointed her dad would be. She did not inquire about Timothy, and she did not ask if he was alive. She showed not concern for his survival. Jessica and her family cannot get the images out of their minds. She and her husband have both had to seek counseling to work through the impact of this horrific day and the images that were burned in their minds. Images of my son and his last moments . Mike Hardy, the battalion chief and also a family friend must have been horrified the moment he realized the call he was on was my son? The sheriff/coroner Deputy and Marine Core veteran,served seven years in front line combat and has had to take an indefinite leave of absence do to the trauma and impact my son’s death had him. He held me up as I saw Timothy’s lifeless body lying on the table; he had to peel me off the gurney when it was time to let go. He says he has many calls far worse, but there was something about the look in my eyes when I pleaded with him to do something, to please save me son, that has impacted him in a way that he no longer wants to do this job. The nurse, who was there when they brought Timothy in, has told me that she never once left his side. He came in DOA, but something about my boy reached the mother in her and she could not leave his side. She told me as she gently bathed him, prayed over him, and prayed for his mother who was on her way and thought of her own son…what if this was him? What if it were her making the drive to Marshall Hospital? As she gently washed the blood off his face , held his hand and waited for his mother, she said she was forever changed. When I got there, she looked me in the eyes and said, “He was never alone. I never left his side. I stayed with him until you could get here. I loved on him until you could.” She wanted me to know that my baby boy was never alone. She handed him to me and took a three week leave of absence because the trauma from Timothy’s death. It was more than she could handle. I am told that everyone involved that day, including the doctor that signed his death certificate and the Chaplin that had to give the news, were forever changed by the death of Timothy Mulholland.
My life will never be the same. No one will ever fill this hole, and the woman I once was is gone. There are days I wake up and look in the mirror; I do not recognize the woman looking back at me. Eight months ago I had a son and all the hopes and dreams that come with it. I had a son with a future so bright, many could only hope to achieve. I feel honored to have been his mother, to be a part of someone whose light was so bright that everyone who came in contact with his life was changed for the better.
I try to never go to bed angry at my children; to always tell them I love them; to cry when they cry; to laugh when they laugh, if I cant to enjoy the sounds they create and to take one long last look before I drive away because it may be my last. I live in constant fear that I’ll get the call AGAIN. If my girls are 10 min late I assume they are dead. Panic sets in immediately. I can no longer reason with my self that they are just late, Everything is fine… They don’t have service. I wake screaming Timothy name! Crying un controllably still 8 months later. The images in my dreams are horrific of his last moments! Maybe someday the person I will become will be someone who would make Timothy proud; stronger for what I have survived but Ask me how I have been impacted right now and that is what I can tell you. In everything I do, I leave a piece of Timothy or bring a piece of Timothy…remember a piece of Timothy or share a piece of Timothy. I need to know this has effected Tori! I need to know is she desires to walk along side me AND do something great in his name, even if it only saves ONE teenager. Even if we can cause one parent to rethink buying their child a car that has the speed capability such as a Nissan 350 Z! Can one life be saved by my story?

Cassie's Impact statement

Impact statement~v The actions of Tori impacted my life greatly in many ways. I shall no longer have not only a brother but my best friend and the dad figure Timothy stood in also.v My brother was the only person I turned to in difficult times. v I miss being able to tell Tim anything I wanted or needed to. He would always listen to my secrets and he always had good advice to give me. Who will listen now? Who will have such wise words for me?v I have had to learn how to live my life without a man figure in it, without the constant laughs and smiles Tim caused me to have.v While all my friends have older brothers or a father they could turn to for manly advice I have to figure it all out on my own.v Many can’t understand the pain I now have because of Tori’s decisions with her actions.v Today, tomorrow, next week, next month and forever I have to experience the joy and sadness in my life without Tim. How many important things will he miss I wonder? v Now I have to worry that what if someday I may forget about Tim. The smiles he caused, the laughter I had with him, the memories we had together, the sights I saw with Tim standing next to me, the way he looked, the way he protected me.v For every second I shared with Tim it ended up in laughing. Whether it was playing games to riding to school I enjoyed it.v If Tori would communicate with me I feel like that will ease my pain greatly. Just knowing she cares enough to talk to me will help.v I will always love my brother who shall no longer be here with me…Thank you~

Faiths Impact Statement

Impact Statement! L

v The actions of Tori have greatly affected my life. It will be years before I can really see all the ways I’m changed by this event. I’m 11…How many things will Tim not be there for? v Tim and I were very close. He was by far the best man in my life, my hero, and best friend.v Tim has been my brother since July 25, 2000 and we were torn apart just 11 short but fantastic fun years later because of a terrible choice Tori made. v I miss riding to school with him. I miss going down town. I miss him teaching me to long board. I can’t do these things anymore because it hurts to do them without Tim.v He was supposed to teach me to snowboard this year. Who will teach me now?v I’m worried I will forget what he looked like or what he sounded like.v When I wake up in the middle of the night from a nightmare or a sound that scares me and walk in his room I realize he is not there to comfort me. v This weekend while most of my friends were shopping and decorating their Christmas trees I had to write this impact statement because of a decision that cost my brother his life. v He didn’t get a choice to be here this year for Christmas. We took a family vote to skip Christmas because it hurts too much to even try to do it without my brother.v Today and for the rest of my life I am suffering the loss of my brother, my hero, my protector, my best friend. My pain will never go away. Not in a week or a month or a year or not even 20! v I have tried multiple times to reach out to Tori but she will not answer me. I wish she would say something. I feel like it might just make it hurt a little less but she won’t. v Nothing anyone can say or do will change the fact that I will NEVER have a brother. My brother.

In the waves~

Its a Sunday, one like every other.... I woke up thinking about Timothy. I'm sure Sunday will never be as they once were. I push back the pain and hide the anguish that wants to take over. I don't have time to cry this morning I tell my self! And I continue on~ As much as I don't want to. Last time I looked at a clock its 1:15. I'm on a hike, the sun is shinning , The river is flowing...little squirrels are running around gathering nuts frantically for winter....  and then out of nowhere..... Its there... that lump in my throat, my heart is racing, and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I think, hummm am I hungry? Did I eat today? What the hell is wrong me now? As the minutes fly by the feelings get worse. I look over at my friend and say... Is it 3:20? I have no idea ,they reply..and pull out their phone to look...not knowing why I'm asking. It's 3:28pm they say. And it hits me......I'm in it~ the waves consume me as I realize that though my mind has no concept of time, my heart knows exactly to the minute when My child's heart stopped beating. When he took his last breaths. When he left here~ How can that be? How can my body know the time , the hour, the minute....? And have a phisical reaction to it without me even being aware it was coming. 

I realize that I heard his heart beat long before anyone else. I heard it while he was growing inside me. I made his heart inside my womb...My heart supplied blood to his and each time mine beat his was supplied with the life source to continue to grow and beat stronger each day. This connection between mother and child is indescribable. We are their life source for almost 10 months.....and when I gave birth to him, they layed him on my chest and our hearts beat together. This is why when they are babies they sleep on us. Listening to the sound that comforted them for 10 months as they grew. My heart beat and His were one. And with Timothy, That never changed. We were always one heart beat. So now my heart knows the moment his stopped beating. 

When I went to the hospital, after he died... they let me get in bed with him, and as I curled up as I had so many times over his 17 years of life to snuggle him (and he use to say"mom, don't spoon me, its awkward...now I smile because I made him cuddle with me). I'm laid there Pleading with God for this to not be true. He appears to be sleeping... I lay my head on his chest knowing I'll hear the familiar sound of his heart beat as I have every time I've laid my head on his chest. I listen carefully...praying for the sound...my heart listens for its other half to beat with it. There is no sound at all. His chest does not move up and down, the heart beat I made  in my womb is gone. The life I created inside my own body is gone. I'm laying with my child but he is no longer there. And although I know this I refuse to believe it! For what seemed like hours was most likely only 45 min I lay very still....waiting to hear it. And then I begin to pray, for his journey to the other side of the vial. I pray he is in a place of splendor. At the feet of Christ. That he is in awe of what ever it looks like on the other side, and I feel HIM!!!! I can feel his presence, right there in the room with me so I begin to sing to my son, I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always , as long as I'M LIVING, MY BABY YOU'LL Be! The SON of my heart as I've called him his whole life....How clearly now I can recall the many times I would say "Son of my heart"...come here! or I love you or 'be safe". 

Now I'm singing but only the feeling of his presence is there. 

Ma'am...its time they say to me! You have to get up... Its time! They are here to take him. I'm thinking in my mind, if I don't get up this won't be real! If I just lay very still they cant make me leave. "Ma'am, please"..the officer pleas with me its time to let go. Come on take my hand he says...but they have to pull me off my child. Its no longer a choice. I have to let go~ and this is the moment burned in my mind~! This is the moment I'm taken back to every time we hit a month mark to the Sunday. The moment my heart realizes this is always the moment His heart stopped!

I heard this song as I was driving home yesterday , sobbing~ and felt Timothy as if he was signing it to me! ohh how he loved to sing~ 

In every word I felt him as each word applies to where I am or what's to come. So I'll share it with who ever is reading this.......

When all your tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in meWay down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts

You'll find better love strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun
Please remember me

Just like the waves down by the shore
We're gonna keep on coming back for more
'Cause we don't ever wanna stop

Out in this brave new world you seek
Over the valleys and the peaks
And I can see you on the top

Remember me when you're out walkin'
When the snow falls high outside your door
Late at night when you're not sleepin'
And moonlight falls across your floor
When It doesn't hurt you anymore

You'll find better love strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs, warm as the morning sun
Please remember me

Timothy~ I will REMEMBER YOU~ In every thing I do!!!

When the snow falls outside my door~ i will remember you

When I'm out walking~ I will remember you!

When I'm not sleeping~ i am remembering you!

When moon light falls across my floor~ I remember  you!

In the valleys and the peeks~ I remember you

I hope I make it to the top....

My Son, Forever you will live inside of me!

‎6 months, 189 days, 4117 hours, 247020 min

‎6 months, 189 days, 4117 hours, 247020 min ago My son took his last breath! To many life has gone on....thats whats happens. People get busy, or this is too painful and they cant do it anymore. Or they need me to be happy, or talk about something else........But for me 6 months, 189 days, 4117 hours, 247020 min ago I could tell him I love you, and kiss him, or call him or hold him. So I count the minutes since I last heard his voice~ Im right here where you left me Timothy Marquis Mulholland loving you with each breath I struggle to take...and pushing on because I have no choice.
I ll like you forever, I love you for always , as long as Im living, my baby youll be!

half a year still feels like yesterday~

It was a cold cloudy Sunday much like today day, except the ground was covered in feet of snow.It was 6:34 am that you kissed me and slid down the driveway in the snow off to your job, spinning that sign at the donut shop in Folsom. Leaving poor Jason Pagenkopp to get a ride from me home. It was 2:45 pm when you texted me last...to say you were on your way to talk to Kristine Running's dad. It was 3:19 when you went to meet the Lord.... and it was 4:42 when they let me crawl in bed with you to sing to you and say good bye. This was the last time I kissed your face. Smelled your hair, or soaked in the pictures of every inch of you so I would never forget your hands. And everyday I do something good in your name.Even if its small and no one but you and I know! Still hurts like Hell but I can say with every cell of my being that I am so blessed to have brought you into this world. To have been givin the opportunity to breath the same air as you. To share a laugh with you...... To dance with you in the rain!
So many things have happen since I last posted. In April they planted a tree in your name at Camino, They dedicated an entire track race to you and named an event after you. They planted a garden FULL of Lillie's (I know you had something to do with this as they were your favorite and I didn't tell a soul) They made a beautiful slide show at the rally at the end of SAW week and they let me sit up front with the kids. You now I never got to do any of those things...We spent many a night talking about my biggest regret was never graduating and in some form you gave me a gift to see it thru the eyes of a graduate.Thank you for that. Your sister went to Competition and they dedicated the entire dance to you in front of ALL those people. I know she made you proud that day. In May you graduated! You did it my son~ and I walked for you! Everyone was there. Even Uncle Ian came w Sam all the way from LA.  It was the 28th of May...It was a day just like every other 28th since March...Cold and raining. As I sat there on the grass with the graduates I thought "please God hole the rain" just until I do this..and then like something I cant explain, right before they called your name.....The clouds opened up, but only around the field..everywhere else as still dark and cloudy..But where I was sitting the sun shown thru..and "someone" leaned over and said something I will never forget"There is you  SON (sun)! Shinning warmth down on my face and I knew at that moment you were with me..........It was a site no one will never forget as they called your name and handed me your diploma. EVERYONE stood to their feet and a sound I'll never forget came from all around like thunder from above. Cheers for you my precious boy! and LIVE FREE signs held high in the air. Your friends took Sally down for you and she sat PROUDLY in the front parking lot. She was the only car aloud to park there. I took that diploma and held it high in the air for you! And I know you were the one holding me up as I walked because I walked with such determination to make you proud.  
In July Faith turned 11. She misses you the most I think. He party was not the same with out you but we went to SUN SPLASH like always and her cake was in your honor, purple dinosaur , green turtle, and of course penguins!! We felt your spirit with us all day. In August we had the dance show in Sacramento.TRAVIS BYERS MADE A POINT TO HUG ME FOR YOU....YOU MUST  HAVE HAD SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT..HIS SMILE WAS AS CONTAGIOUS AS YOURS~
Chantell and your sisters clearly were dancing for you. It was very hard to NOT hear you screaming for them... I saved you a seat though at each show. Mrs. running came both nights to watch for you~ your sisters wrote the most beautiful dedication to you that they said and then your sister Danced for you! Ive never seem her so beautiful as she was in the minutes she gave you everything she had.
Its September now...I think the hardest month by far. We celebrated your 18th birthday on the 4th. Kristine and Mrs. Running came bright and early with balloons..we sent messages to heaven on them for you. Then Courtney brought me the baby. He is soothing balm to my broken heart. Andi had a small family birthday party for you, it was fun! On the 6th of Sept you were set to deploy for the Navy..but your not here to do so..I assume your fully enjoying part of Gods army though:) 
School started back up... your presence is missed by many. I still get emails and posts daily from your friends. They miss you so much , son of my heart~ Ohh and I got your year book...you would have LOVED THE "BABY ADD" and what I wrote.

Your Uncle Ian got married last week end. It was so beautiful and I know you and grandpa were there with us...but your presence was surly missed, especially by Chelsea,who misses you so much but rarely speaks of her pain. Can you send an angel to her? You would love our new sister in law.your new Aunt..She is precious!
Cassie is in 8th grade..she misses riding to school with you and your little "scoot".well she presses on but sometimes I see the pan in her little eyes and cant do anything for her. She makes sure your car is kept spider free:) We all spend time in your room where the sound of laughter still fills the air.
Today Is Sunday, my least favorite day of the week and its been Half A Year today~ Some days I think I'm going to be OK...and then like a sharp knife it hits me that your gone...Like this is new news or something.
I'm trying very hard to be all you would want me to be to your sisters and friends and to be an example to all that are watching. Ive been asking for your to come visit me in my dreams for 6 months but still nothing? Ill keep waiting for you in my dreams my love!

From the eyes of his Little sister~

Cassandra Mulholland

Mrs. Montgomery

English

21, September 2011

Timothy

My seventeen year old brother with brown hair and big brown eyes was my best friend six months ago. His name was Timothy William Mulholland. In some cases he was my dad. Tim, Chelsea (my older sister), Kayla (my oldest sister), Faith (my little sister), my mom and I have all lived in the same house since I was born thirteen years ago. We have made many memories on these streets.

I have eight main memories or things I remember about Timothy. It all started when I was about three years old. My step dad, Ray, was going to teach me how to ride a bike. I went outside to where Ray was working on his truck, like any other dad, and I had my bike, knee pads, elbow pads everything all ready to go. I said “Daddy teach me how to ride my bike now I am all ready,” meanwhile I had the biggest smile on my face I was so excited. In response to me my dad said “Okay now ride down the hill on your bike.” I was very confused considering I had no idea how to ride my bike. I went inside and tell my mom what happened and she said “Here let me and brother help you learn.” We went to the bottom of the hill and Tim said “ Okay Cassie get on your bike its okay I am holding it.” I got on my bike very cautiously. Tim starts to push the bike and of course I fall a few times but eventually Tim lets go and I am riding all by myself.

Another adventure I remember very well is when me, Faith, and Tim would play in the snow. Tim would always play in the snow with us. We would make igloos, snowmen, snow woman. We had the most fun times in the snow I had my whole life. The best thing we did in the snow had to have been sledding. We would go so fast down the hills. We would make jumps, curves, walls, anything you can think of to make out of snow while sledding we made it. He made every thing we did so fun. The thing I like most about sledding with Tim is he always made it go so fast. He did that with everything bikes, sleds, and go carts which leads me to my next memory. He would always take me and Faith on rides and go so fast. We would go all around our neighborhood and Tim would be the crazy boy he always was.

Once we got older our conversations and ideas of fun things became different. I was then in seventh grade and I had a boyfriend. Tim was a senior in high school and was constantly telling me that he would hurt my boyfriend if I got hurt. Tim was so protective and though I got hurt by many people that year I never told him cause Lord knows what he would do. Most of the times that Tim was being protective and talking to me happened in his car. Tim's car was very unique though he loved it so much. He called it his “Smurf Mobile” because it looked like something a giant smurf would drive. It was baby blue and covered in stickers on the back window. Everyone made fun of him but he never cared.

One of the most recent memories I have was when Tim introduced me to Kristine, his new girlfriend, she soon became very close family to us and we called her our sister. After one and a half years had gone by of them being off and on he finally broke up with her and found a new girl. Her name was Victoria Guinn. They started to date and everyone who knew Tim well enough knew that she was no good for him. Timothy started doing drugs more often with her and got caught drunk at school and was into bad things. Finally he listened to all of us and broke up with her though they were still great friends. A couple of months after they broke up Tim wanted to get back together with Kristine and that is what he did.

A beautiful Sunday afternoon Tori texted Tim saying I just got a new Nissan 350z wanna take a ride in it? Of course Tim said yes. He met her at the McDonalds on Broadway and got in her race car. Tim wanted to go to Kristine’s house to ask her parents for permission to take her to prom like the gentleman he was. They went the long way which went over Newtown Road in Placerville. Tori was going approximately one hundred miles per hour and lost control of the car. She went off the road and hit three trees ripping off the passenger side of the car killing my brother at 3:19pm March 27, 2011. Tim snapped his neck killing him instantly.

I did not find out that my best friend, brother, and dad was dead until about 11:30 that night. It was the most heart breaking moment I had ever felt. It felt unbelievably real. I could not grasp the understanding of why and how an amazing man like Tim had gotten taken from this earth. For weeks I watched my mom lay on the floor crying her heart out. At his memorial seven hundred people showed up. He was a very loved young man.

Now I have a journal to him and I write in it every time I am upset and miss him and have no one to talk to. Also every month on the twenty seventh me, my mom, and Faith, all go shopping and do things we used to do with Tim. On his birthday, September 4^th we wrote messages on balloons and released them in to the air then went and had a party for him. Also that day I went to see the tree he died on for the first time and six months later there are still pieces of the car on the ground.

I have to say the things I miss most about my brother is having someone I can tell all my secrets to, driving in his car every morning listening to his extremely inappropriate music, and having someone who I know really loved me and would always be there for me cause I don't really have these things anymore. The thing I learned form having Tim die was that anyone you love can be taken in just a matter of seconds and to always tell them that you love them. The last three words I told Tim was “I love you” and I am so happy I did. Now I hope everyone who read this and has someone they love dearly never tell them you hate them and always say you love them.

3 most comon used phrases

The three most common used phrases to try to help me thru seem to be:
You have to do it for the girls...
Timothy would expect you to..
And Your the strongest person I know...

All of which are used to try and encourage me to push on., keep going...make it thru one more day of this searing pain. In my mind I know I have to do it but it seems these days, I just cant. The firsts are killing me slowly...I cant believe this has happened to me. And I see his friends suffering, His sister's are suffering, I am suffering......So many people..All but one actually.... And I wonder why this happened. I run the day over and over in my head like a movie....rewind and play, rewind and play. No sign of relief from the pain..But memories of the first few months are starting to return. You may not know but Ive learned that people who suffer from sudden death experience the loss different than those that maybe had time to pre pare such as cancer or long term illness. Its not in anyway more...just different. And in this I have lost most of my memory of the first few months and continue to lack the ability to retain information. I see the frustration on my children's faces, my friends, co worker, ect as they have to remind me"You already told me that" Or I asked you yesterday and you said ok". I think "really, we talked about this already?" ...Its a strange feeling to live you life but have no memory of such things...kind of like ground hog day...

I'm still trying to hurdle the little things like grocery shopping. Last week in total desperation I went to Safeway.. For those of you that don't know...This was a weekly adventure Tim and I shared. We left the girls here, stopped for a coffee from Scotty and then did the shopping. He would ride the cart like a little boy throwing random things into it. Id say"NO TIM" but he would smile at me and it would stay in the basket. At the end of the shopping on our way out the door we would get a Red Box and then he would load the groceries......He always made me turn the radio on so he could sing while he loaded.
Last week as I entered Safeway I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had to do it because we litterly had no food but each isle I could see was a sharp reminder that Timothy is gone. By the third isle I began to sweat , the kind of sweat you feel right before you throw up...and I look over and Dino Eggs oatmeal is on sale (Tim's FAVORITE food). It usually almost 6 dollars a box so I almost always had to say no:( And there I stand looking at the sale ticket thinking how I wish I could go back..........Id buy him as much Dino Eggs oatmeal as he could eat! The rest of the shopping experience was just awful...I rushed thru grabbing only the things I knew I had to have. AS I am standing in line I start sweating and am SO dizzy...I can feel my face loosing color and I really thought I might pass out, right there in Safeway.... When an older gentleman asks "Are you Ok honey"... I smiled and shook my head all the while hoping she (the clerk ) would hurry up. It is in these moments you don't realize it will be painful until your smack dab in the middle of it.

Still no new sales......I'm not sure what we will do if this continues.I run my few options thru my mind but I cant leave the girls at night so that limits me.Financially I am in trouble...And not for a lack of trying. I have been working 5 floor shifts a week. And the ironic thing is... as soon as my shift ends and I leave...the next person on floor will get a buyer walk in 10 min after I leave.
People ask me what Tim would want....I know for sure he wouldn't want me to leave his sisters and waitress. I had that job once and it bothered him so. He said " Mom ,I hate watching you do this". He was SO proud last year when I made Top Achiever.and this year..I was on a roll before he was taken from me. He was so proud! Im at a total loss...........And feel so alone.
Chelsea is leaving for her new life and home in Sonoma in a week...And all though she hasn't been home much her presence is always here. She sleeps in the room next to Timothy's... So his door opens and closes all day long but with her gone.there wont be much reason to open his door....And the idea of another one gone is gut wrenching...I think "and then there were 2". This house will be so quiet...The laughter is already so rarely here now. And I'm doing all I can to remain sane.......and engaged.
People say "you the strongest person I know" and I think to myself.I'm really not I just put on a good front. Inside I'm dying.... But no one wants to hear that...they don't know what to say to that. The first few weeks after Timothy died the house was full of people and I remember someone saying, "soon, everyone will be gone. They will go on living.which is the natural thing for them to do. And your house will be empty. You will Be the only one who cant move on." I thought no way will I be alone...look at all these people! But they were right..Here I sit alone. All the time...The phone stopped ringing, The knocks on the door stopped, it all stopped. And as I type now, I'm sitting the same place I was when I wrote Tim's Eulogy.When the people were all around. Where did every one go you ask?... They went back to living .They all had lives that thankfully they put on hold  to help me, but they had to get back to their Families, jobs, houses. Its just the way it is.
And Im staring at Tim's door cracked half open this morning............with this longing I cant even explain, that he will stumble out into the living room, bed head and all...grab a plastic bowl(that's the only way to eat cereal he would say) pour himself some...and quietly eat breakfast right there in front of me. No words would need to be said........He was my best friend and I was his...we didn't need to talk...Just being together woudl be good enough......But he wont walk out that door this morning, my heart knows the truth. And how to get thru today is still a mystery...but I already know:
"You have to do it for the girls..."
"Timothy would expect you to.."
"And Your the strongest person I know..."

And I still cant move from this spot..while I have the slightest Hope he will walk thru the door~

Summer days hurt the most....

Im not sure why but Cassie and Faith seem to be having a really hard time right now. Faith crys every night.... There is nothing really I can say to ease her pain....I have no words~ She waits for Tim to come thru the door ...She sits in his room alone, and makes sure there are no spider webs on his car.
As a mother of the ones left behind, my heart breaks to see them in so much pain. I have found talking to them on my level helps ......I told Faith last night" This is the most painful thing you will most likely ever experience. And so everyday that you learn to push thru this pain you become a stronger person for it. Tim is so proud of both of you"! I explained how she will be an AMAZING woman because she has learned at such an early age to manage thru the worst pain of her life.
I find myself almost talking from a third person perspective because it is on nights like this that I have to help the girls with their pain....In order to do this I cant feel my own....and then , they fall asleep....and Im left with theirs and mine.
Anger seems to be the emotion of the month....As I plan for Faiths birthday it is yet another holiday we are celebrating without Timothy. There have been alot since March. I didn't even realize how many holidays fall between then and now... Spring Break, Easter, my birthday, mothers day, memorial day, graduation, 4th of July, Faiths birthday.... and it goes on and on. Each one ear marked by the absence of my precious son!

Sunsplash has become a tradition for little Faiths birthday.The last two years we have taken her and her friends, Timothy and Kristine....Those two ride with Faith and her friends down the wild slides as I cant....He loved it and Faith loved doing it with Brother. We are yet again going this year for her birthday and she is already feeling the absence of Tim.
How do I fill in the canyon left in her little heart? Where do I begin .....
Why is it the summer days are the hardest?
Every conscious thought I have thru out the day is about Timothy. And with it comes a sharp pain of reality that I wont hear him laugh today....

July 8th 2011

Its been a really bad week.... Almost unbearable, Most days I find it takes me 30 min just to talk myself into putting my feet on the floor to start the day~ It is only for these girls I keep fighting at all....For them to know...if mommy can do it, so can they!

 

Wednesday Tim's friend left for Boot camp( they were going to go together) SIGH...she came by on her way out...before she got here I went into Tim's room to find something to send with her....UGH!!! After searching and searching...I couldn't find anything I could bare to part with. So I just said"Talk to me Timothy, Please"...and there in the back of his drawer was a DOG TAG!!!!! one he made in Santa Cruz at one of those put a dollar in and make one machines...It had his name DOB and religion on it.I knew it was what I was looking for. i knew he wanted her to have it.What could be more perfect to send with her to boot camp as she would be issued her own Dog Tags with in the next 24 hours and unfortunately he never will. She loved it and cried and said she will carry his memory with her all the way.I told her to be brave, and be strong, I silently prayed for her and sent her off with out her friend....

Then because it is that kind of week Faith comes in with the mail which contained...$2500.00 in MORE medical bills.....UGH which actually the worst part of that isn't that I cant pay them but that they have his name..and March 27th .and I end up right back in the room with him..I can smell him and feel him and I'm broken ALL over again! Also in the mail was a letter from UNR reminding Tim that they are having a meet and greet this week end just in case he plans on attending in August and they are looking forward to seeing him..So I call Marshall Hospital to set up payment, then I call UNR to let them know he wont be attending this week end because he is DEAD! ALL of which I don't want to do! I want to kiss my son, I want to argue with him about whether or not he can drive to the beach as he is not yet 18..I want to hear him laughing in the front yard with the hose on his sisters.

 

Iam dreaming...last night I dreamed about the kids and I ...I was protecting them from something....I am dreaming with out Tim....When I dream about my children he is no longer in my dream which means my brain has accepted he's no loner here....UGH Now if I could convince my heart......

I find myself screaming out to and AT the Lord on a Daily basis....The first month was pure denial....every day was NO WAY is this true.....the second month was shock...I couldn't remember what I did yesterday...My whole body was in shock..I walked around in a fog, often asking"did I already tell you that" Or "What was I saying" ... and the third month is reality..every morning I wake up and my first thought is "my son is really dead...hes gone." And I have that thought so many times a day as if my brain needs the rest of my body to accept it. But I cant.....I ask WHY!!!! Why my boy. What have I done to deserve this? Have I not been Faithful enough? Ive spent the largest part of my life giving God the credit for ANYTHING good that has happened and credit for bringing me thru ALL the BAD! I don't understand.....I was so faithful, SO dedicated, SO strong in my Faith...and now.....NOW I just don't know.........anything....except...I'm here today...another day...stumbling thru, hoping to find my footing again, hoping the pain will subside long enough for me to get all the things that still require my attention done. And still praying.... PRAYING for HOPE, For Peace, FOR PROVISION!!!

 

What lies Ahead? What new hurdle...

It was a crisp morning much like today except the rain was still falling mixed with hints of snow, My happy man/boy had just finished eating breakfast as fast as he could chew... Standing at the door he pleaded with me to take his Friend home so he wouldn't be late for the job he loved so much( spinning a sign in the rain for the donut shop) He had bedhead, his favorite black jeans and a bright green coat...."Please he begged and I agreed. "Thanks Madre" he thankful exclaimed as he bounced out the door and down the drive way."I love you" he yelled"! This would be the last time I ever heard him say those words. Each moment, each breath since then has been measured by the pain I felt that day.
I was in the hospital last week for a ruptured cyst..."whats your pain level ," the nurse asked me 1-10..ten being the worst pain you have ever been in"... those of you that know me know I have surgery often and I measure it by child birth as I did it naturally and Cassie was 36 hours... but this time.this moment....I flash to March 27th at 4:45~ The moment I saw my boy laying cold and gone on that hospital bed. This is my "10" NOW!!! and all pain , even surgery fails to compare......I thought to myself when the nurse asked me the 1-10 question...does she know the pain of losing a child? can I tell her My 10 is much different than the girl in the bed next to me? And as I reflect this morning on all the things I have "survived" in the last three months and even as I type, my womb aches for my child.
Love to all of you who have stood by me thru this hell!

June 7th 2011.. A unwelcome guest

On our kitchen counter lies a death certificate, new to the house it resides un-welcomed, His room, immobilized in a time capsule; untouched besides the bed that has been slept in, his wallet on his dresser loaded with the cash he worked so hard for and his shoes that were left at the front door, ready for his to slide on , on his way out still remain not yet put away. His coat hangs off the chair in his room, and his tooth brush still in the drawer....all just waiting for his return...and a mother mourns the loss of her life, the vacant canyon left in her soul.....she screams his name in the middle of the night but the screams fall on deaf ears....no one knows her pain. Most turn their face from her on the street. Can you look in her eyes..can you stand to see such pain in another and not feel the basic need to move away from it?  Who holds up this mother as she stands before you, you ask yourself..how is it she still breaths when he eyes are so hallow... look away your mind tells you......look away before her pain becomes yours. She calls her son, she bargains in the still of the night , to have him back. to him hold him close. To smell his hair and hold his hand, but to no avail as her pleads fall on deaf ears....no one hears her plea....

The shoes Im forced to wear

I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in this world.
Some woman are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.