Its been a really bad week.... Almost unbearable, Most days I find it takes me 30 min just to talk myself into putting my feet on the floor to start the day~ It is only for these girls I keep fighting at all....For them to know...if mommy can do it, so can they!
Wednesday Tim's friend left for Boot camp( they were going to go together) SIGH...she came by on her way out...before she got here I went into Tim's room to find something to send with her....UGH!!! After searching and searching...I couldn't find anything I could bare to part with. So I just said"Talk to me Timothy, Please"...and there in the back of his drawer was a DOG TAG!!!!! one he made in Santa Cruz at one of those put a dollar in and make one machines...It had his name DOB and religion on it.I knew it was what I was looking for. i knew he wanted her to have it.What could be more perfect to send with her to boot camp as she would be issued her own Dog Tags with in the next 24 hours and unfortunately he never will. She loved it and cried and said she will carry his memory with her all the way.I told her to be brave, and be strong, I silently prayed for her and sent her off with out her friend....
Then because it is that kind of week Faith comes in with the mail which contained...$2500.00 in MORE medical bills.....UGH which actually the worst part of that isn't that I cant pay them but that they have his name..and March 27th .and I end up right back in the room with him..I can smell him and feel him and I'm broken ALL over again! Also in the mail was a letter from UNR reminding Tim that they are having a meet and greet this week end just in case he plans on attending in August and they are looking forward to seeing him..So I call Marshall Hospital to set up payment, then I call UNR to let them know he wont be attending this week end because he is DEAD! ALL of which I don't want to do! I want to kiss my son, I want to argue with him about whether or not he can drive to the beach as he is not yet 18..I want to hear him laughing in the front yard with the hose on his sisters.
Iam dreaming...last night I dreamed about the kids and I ...I was protecting them from something....I am dreaming with out Tim....When I dream about my children he is no longer in my dream which means my brain has accepted he's no loner here....UGH Now if I could convince my heart......
I find myself screaming out to and AT the Lord on a Daily basis....The first month was pure denial....every day was NO WAY is this true.....the second month was shock...I couldn't remember what I did yesterday...My whole body was in shock..I walked around in a fog, often asking"did I already tell you that" Or "What was I saying" ... and the third month is reality..every morning I wake up and my first thought is "my son is really dead...hes gone." And I have that thought so many times a day as if my brain needs the rest of my body to accept it. But I cant.....I ask WHY!!!! Why my boy. What have I done to deserve this? Have I not been Faithful enough? Ive spent the largest part of my life giving God the credit for ANYTHING good that has happened and credit for bringing me thru ALL the BAD! I don't understand.....I was so faithful, SO dedicated, SO strong in my Faith...and now.....NOW I just don't know.........anything....except...I'm here today...another day...stumbling thru, hoping to find my footing again, hoping the pain will subside long enough for me to get all the things that still require my attention done. And still praying.... PRAYING for HOPE, For Peace, FOR PROVISION!!!
What lies Ahead? What new hurdle...
You can borrow my faith in the Lord. Be angry and shout out TO and AT the Lord--He knows why and understands the unbearable pain that you are experiencing. When you are unable to pray, He hears you in your silence, and knows what is in your heart.
ReplyDeleteSister,
ReplyDeleteThrough this incredible struggle, I can't imagine the pain you feel. When you feel yourself doubting faith, remember that while I don't feel the same way, it does not mean that I don't believe that there is a greater meaning for all of us.
I wish I could say that everything happened for a reason, but I miss Tim too much to be able to feel that way. I'm with you, I want to understand why. What a great man he was becoming...him and I were kindred spirits because we both suffered at the hands of a female family with older, difficult sisters. I've never met a young man with such a crazy mix of emotional maturity and unfettered youth.
All I can offer you is my love and support. What I told you via text a few months ago was as real as it gets. You are a rock...just don't forget how to roll. Love you.
-Brother