3 most comon used phrases

The three most common used phrases to try to help me thru seem to be:
You have to do it for the girls...
Timothy would expect you to..
And Your the strongest person I know...

All of which are used to try and encourage me to push on., keep going...make it thru one more day of this searing pain. In my mind I know I have to do it but it seems these days, I just cant. The firsts are killing me slowly...I cant believe this has happened to me. And I see his friends suffering, His sister's are suffering, I am suffering......So many people..All but one actually.... And I wonder why this happened. I run the day over and over in my head like a movie....rewind and play, rewind and play. No sign of relief from the pain..But memories of the first few months are starting to return. You may not know but Ive learned that people who suffer from sudden death experience the loss different than those that maybe had time to pre pare such as cancer or long term illness. Its not in anyway more...just different. And in this I have lost most of my memory of the first few months and continue to lack the ability to retain information. I see the frustration on my children's faces, my friends, co worker, ect as they have to remind me"You already told me that" Or I asked you yesterday and you said ok". I think "really, we talked about this already?" ...Its a strange feeling to live you life but have no memory of such things...kind of like ground hog day...

I'm still trying to hurdle the little things like grocery shopping. Last week in total desperation I went to Safeway.. For those of you that don't know...This was a weekly adventure Tim and I shared. We left the girls here, stopped for a coffee from Scotty and then did the shopping. He would ride the cart like a little boy throwing random things into it. Id say"NO TIM" but he would smile at me and it would stay in the basket. At the end of the shopping on our way out the door we would get a Red Box and then he would load the groceries......He always made me turn the radio on so he could sing while he loaded.
Last week as I entered Safeway I felt sick to my stomach. I knew I had to do it because we litterly had no food but each isle I could see was a sharp reminder that Timothy is gone. By the third isle I began to sweat , the kind of sweat you feel right before you throw up...and I look over and Dino Eggs oatmeal is on sale (Tim's FAVORITE food). It usually almost 6 dollars a box so I almost always had to say no:( And there I stand looking at the sale ticket thinking how I wish I could go back..........Id buy him as much Dino Eggs oatmeal as he could eat! The rest of the shopping experience was just awful...I rushed thru grabbing only the things I knew I had to have. AS I am standing in line I start sweating and am SO dizzy...I can feel my face loosing color and I really thought I might pass out, right there in Safeway.... When an older gentleman asks "Are you Ok honey"... I smiled and shook my head all the while hoping she (the clerk ) would hurry up. It is in these moments you don't realize it will be painful until your smack dab in the middle of it.

Still no new sales......I'm not sure what we will do if this continues.I run my few options thru my mind but I cant leave the girls at night so that limits me.Financially I am in trouble...And not for a lack of trying. I have been working 5 floor shifts a week. And the ironic thing is... as soon as my shift ends and I leave...the next person on floor will get a buyer walk in 10 min after I leave.
People ask me what Tim would want....I know for sure he wouldn't want me to leave his sisters and waitress. I had that job once and it bothered him so. He said " Mom ,I hate watching you do this". He was SO proud last year when I made Top Achiever.and this year..I was on a roll before he was taken from me. He was so proud! Im at a total loss...........And feel so alone.
Chelsea is leaving for her new life and home in Sonoma in a week...And all though she hasn't been home much her presence is always here. She sleeps in the room next to Timothy's... So his door opens and closes all day long but with her gone.there wont be much reason to open his door....And the idea of another one gone is gut wrenching...I think "and then there were 2". This house will be so quiet...The laughter is already so rarely here now. And I'm doing all I can to remain sane.......and engaged.
People say "you the strongest person I know" and I think to myself.I'm really not I just put on a good front. Inside I'm dying.... But no one wants to hear that...they don't know what to say to that. The first few weeks after Timothy died the house was full of people and I remember someone saying, "soon, everyone will be gone. They will go on living.which is the natural thing for them to do. And your house will be empty. You will Be the only one who cant move on." I thought no way will I be alone...look at all these people! But they were right..Here I sit alone. All the time...The phone stopped ringing, The knocks on the door stopped, it all stopped. And as I type now, I'm sitting the same place I was when I wrote Tim's Eulogy.When the people were all around. Where did every one go you ask?... They went back to living .They all had lives that thankfully they put on hold  to help me, but they had to get back to their Families, jobs, houses. Its just the way it is.
And Im staring at Tim's door cracked half open this morning............with this longing I cant even explain, that he will stumble out into the living room, bed head and all...grab a plastic bowl(that's the only way to eat cereal he would say) pour himself some...and quietly eat breakfast right there in front of me. No words would need to be said........He was my best friend and I was his...we didn't need to talk...Just being together woudl be good enough......But he wont walk out that door this morning, my heart knows the truth. And how to get thru today is still a mystery...but I already know:
"You have to do it for the girls..."
"Timothy would expect you to.."
"And Your the strongest person I know..."

And I still cant move from this spot..while I have the slightest Hope he will walk thru the door~