It was a crisp morning much like today except the rain was still falling mixed with hints of snow, My happy man/boy had just finished eating breakfast as fast as he could chew... Standing at the door he pleaded with me to take his Friend home so he wouldn't be late for the job he loved so much( spinning a sign in the rain for the donut shop) He had bedhead, his favorite black jeans and a bright green coat...."Please he begged and I agreed. "Thanks Madre" he thankful exclaimed as he bounced out the door and down the drive way."I love you" he yelled"! This would be the last time I ever heard him say those words. Each moment, each breath since then has been measured by the pain I felt that day.
I was in the hospital last week for a ruptured cyst..."whats your pain level ," the nurse asked me 1-10..ten being the worst pain you have ever been in"... those of you that know me know I have surgery often and I measure it by child birth as I did it naturally and Cassie was 36 hours... but this time.this moment....I flash to March 27th at 4:45~ The moment I saw my boy laying cold and gone on that hospital bed. This is my "10" NOW!!! and all pain , even surgery fails to compare......I thought to myself when the nurse asked me the 1-10 question...does she know the pain of losing a child? can I tell her My 10 is much different than the girl in the bed next to me? And as I reflect this morning on all the things I have "survived" in the last three months and even as I type, my womb aches for my child.
Love to all of you who have stood by me thru this hell!