Strength for the journey

Its been nearly half a year since I sat here trying to find the words to describe how we have continued to breath through the pain...Face the days, and find strength for the journey! So much has happened since May..I hardly know where to start and even as I type~ in my heart... every day, every road..doesn't matter. The pain of living without Timothy hasn't subsided. Ive only gotten better at hiding the pain. At looking less hallow. And so many mothers have been forced to join me in this awful journey in the last 20 months.There have been moments of joy...don't get me wrong. And rather than avoid them I find my self searing for them. Looking for beauty even when there isn't any~

The girls and I went to a grief conference over the summer and that seemed to help me navigate through this a little better. At least to be a better mother. To teach my daughters to live everyday! To find something beautiful. And to fall back in love with the life we have~

Much of our journey is marked by seasons now, rather than days.....Birthdays that he will never have and holidays we cant bring our selves to celebrate with out him. The seasons continue to change..September my boy turned 19 in heaven... we planted flowers at his cross. Summer flowers and the community waters them. October....another painful, unsuccessful Halloween, no trading candy, no joy in my girls, home at 7:30 in my arms in tears without their best Friend. November...Thanksgiving...We found small pieces of laughter in another painful day. Little boys running around in the green grass..one little blond boy always catches my eye. I see Timothy just 4 years old. Running around in his little blue coveralls with his Navy Jet in his front pocket. Telling me "I'm gonna fly jets Momma"... as he played and even at 17 that boy loved holidays and was gonna fly jets!  For me I feel as if I lost it all sometimes. Once a family of 6 sitting at the table, laughing, praying and having dinner is now a family of 3 and dinner is on the go~ This is all I can manage still. I wonder if I'll ever be able to find tradition, or consistency. I pray every day to be the best mother and woman I can be. Sometimes I feel like a little girl in the back seat of a car who watched her best friend disappear thru the back window. I'm stuffed in the back seat with no control of my own destination. Surrounded by baggage that isn't even mine! I feel so congested and my stomach is in knots. Just when I think I cant handle it anymore, someone came along and cracked the window and a breath of fresh air hits me in my face. I felt relief, but wonder how long the window will be down?

We were giving an incredible gift by God over the summer. Lead by a series of unexpected events and unplanned moments (this is how God works with me now) We found ourselves making a choice to be baptized one Sunday afternoon in the river at Lotus park (Well my girls decided...I agreed). All three of us hand in hand..It really was quite beautiful and only later that evening I realize that we were baptized at 3:20pm On Timothy's Sunday (the last Sunday of the month). So at the very moment Timothy met the Lord, we choose to give our lives back to him even in our pain.What a precious and AMAZING gift that was. And opened my heart to make some hard decisions about what next turn I should make.

 In September I was hospitalized after minor surgery and after 7 days in the hospital and a time of wondering if I would finally get my wish to be with Tim...I discharged myself and went home to have a "come to Jesus" moment. It was TIME to decide if I wanted to die or LIVE!!! And after 5 days of wrestling this thru in my own heart I decided to live. And every day since then I have!~ I get up even when I don't want to! I find a way to fall in love with my life over and over everyday! To find beauty in the breaking. I was reminded that I'm like a glass that was dropped to the ground! Shattered in a moment. And each broken piece was sharp! If you tried to touch it , you could get cut. But much like the glass beach...If you give it time to get tossed over and over in the waves the edges are no longer sharp and even though its still broken it becomes a beautiful broken thing......This is me. Beautifully broken and now NOT so sharp to the touch.

Timothy has turned 19 in heaven.Cassie has started High School and every time I go to the school I expect to see my beautiful boy bounding down the stairs to my car window to kiss my face...exclaim "I love you madre'" and bounce off....but it doesn't happen. Just this feeling that starts deep inside me and finds its way to my throat. I push it down, along with the pain, I kiss Cassie goodbye every morning, but as I drive off tears roll down my face. Tears that will go unnoticed. Untold...tucked away for another time as I just don't have time to break right now I tell myself.

I'm steady on keeping my promises to Timothy. Most have been met with resistance by another but I will not let her detour me from saving even one life!
I bought a truck as promised and a trailer. And last month I loaded that car onto it.....faced Timothy's seat...broken glass shattered all around it. The seat belt cut free and what I know to be my sons blood. I refuse to let this stop me! And so with trailer in tow My beautiful, Strong, Amazing daughters, my BEST FRIENDS and I have spoken three times now. Last time to 83 high school students, 4 State Farm Representatives and an officer from Roseville PD who said "Ma'am, your story is saving lives.
I always search the crowd for the "ONE" face.That one boy who doesn't look away the entire time I'm speaking...I know HE IS THE ONE! And that is all I need to do it again~

I'll be running a 5K as promised on the 2 year anniversary of my angel boy. My Dear friend is going to help me get there. Everyone will be invited to run.We plan on making it an annual event. I will post more info as it develops but for now its another promise I intent to keep and a way to mark the day with tears, sweat, and joy! So mark your calendars~

I took My beautiful boy (well a piece of him) on a journey recently too a beautiful place I had promised we would go together... I found a peace I had not felt since March 27th 2011. A place inside myself I thought was dead.......and a new appreciation for LOVE~ you have the power to fall in love with any moment of your life if you want it! Let something take your breath away. See beauty even when there isn't any! Smile at a stranger, you might change their day. And be willing to breath every day even when it hurts like hell....the pain is just another beautiful reminder that you are alive!



You must be willing to be the change you wish to see in the world. And you must do it from a place of love or it isn't possible~